Saturday, August 12, 2017

Annabelle: Creation

0.5/4

Starring: Talitha Bateman, Lulu Wilson, Stephanie Sigman, Anthony LaPaglia, Miranda Otto

Rated R for Horror Violence and Terror

"Annabelle: Creation" is shit.  I realize that that's not the most polite or professional way to say how awful it is, but sometimes being polite and professional just won't do.  This movie is so bad that it makes me rethink my review of "Split" earlier this year.  It's not as aggravating as the M. Night Shyamalan disaster (which somehow made enough money to warrant a sequel...don't ask me how), but its almost as bad.

Twelve years ago, Bee (Samara Lee), the daughter of Samuel (LaPaglia) and Esther Mullins (Otto) was tragically cut short when she was hit by a car.  Now, they've turned their house into an orphanage for six other girls and a nun.  Things seem okay until Janice (Bateman) finds that Bee's room is unlocked (which she was expressly forbidden to go into) and finds a creepy doll hidden behind a locked door.  Now she's acting strange and mysterious things are going on.

This movie is bad on so many levels it's impossible to count them all.  It's boring, moves at a sloth's pace, and is about as scary as Winnie the Pooh.  The one scene of tension, which involves an unbelievably big well, is less scary than "Monsters Inc."  Even worse, it takes forever to get going.  I think the idea was to build the characters, but while the acting by the three leads is solid, none of them are given anything to work with.  They're props.  The two name actors, Anthony LaPaglia and Miranda Otto, are even worse.  LaPaglia looks as if he was forced to appear in this movie under threat of death while Otto has almost no screen time.  One would hope that they were well paid, and considering that someone spent $15 million on this shit fest, they should have been.  It certainly didn't go into anything behind the camera.

In addition to being boring as hell and seemingly never wanting to end, the film is sadistic as well.  Apart from the reasons I listed.  The things done to and by pre-teen girls are violent, and considering their age, reprehensible.  If writer Gary Dauberman and director Daniel F. Sandberg could have actually made me care, I might have been angry.  But they're so inept that I was merely bored.  The film has such charming things as girls being attacked by a very angry demon/poltergeist/something and scared out o their minds, and the ending is essentially a slasher movie between two pre-teen girls.  And this isn't the case of people in their twenties playing dress up.  They are that young.  Which makes it, in addition to being terrible, reprehensible.

I know people are going to flock to see this because they liked "The Conjuring" and its sequel.  And judging by the box office numbers of "Annabelle," they liked that too (I didn't).  But please, please, PLEASE, don't see this crapfest.  If you do, you have no right to complain about how Hollywood only makes sequels.  Because you are then part of the problem.

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